I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
