I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
