I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
