Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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