I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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