some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
