i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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