I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
