So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
