Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
