at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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