I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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