i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
