you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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