Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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