my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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