i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
