I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
