Moan for me like Helen Keller
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
