first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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