How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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