i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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