There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize