Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
