I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
