My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
