I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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