after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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