If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize