two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize