opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
