i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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