i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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