How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
