Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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