No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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