Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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