I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
