please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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