he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
