I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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