The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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