Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We're too hungover to prance.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
