just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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