he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
