No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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