He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
