gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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