Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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