Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
