is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
