He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
