True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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