I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
