i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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